My first experiment with... CHOCOLATE!

I said it before, I'm a vanilla girl. So venturing in the land of chocolate was risky for me, especially because tasting them to determine if they were good was out of the question. I had to rely on hubby to taste them... he wasn't dancing or singing about them but he said they were good. I took the rest to work and all but one or two were eaten. The consensus was that they were good... meh. I need to stop waiting for people to shout from the rooftops about my confections before I'll think that I've actually baked something that tastes good. Oh well, I don't bake for anyone else, I do it because of the therapy!

So here's my Devil's Food cupcake with whipped chocolate ganache frosting...

Don't mind the blurry picture (it was the only one I took), I took it with my iPhone 3g prior to upgrading to my mack-daddy iPhone 4. Thanks to my DH for bringing me up to speed with tech stuff :) anyways... the recipe was courtesy of Chockylit, which is the cupcake blog that dreams are made of. I also got the chocolate ganache recipe from that blog as well and followed the directions (sort of) to make it into more of a frosting. I let the ganache (made with Ghirardelli chocolate) cool but it didn't thicken much at all, so beating it didn't really help a whole lot either... it was nowhere near pipeable. So I did the scariest thing I do in the kitchen- I winged it. I added some confectioner's sugar and prayed I didn't mess it up too badly, but it actually turned out alright! Whew! I didn't fully pipe on the frosting- I think I tried using the ziploc bag method, which never works that great and makes a huge mess. Luckily my mom got me some awesome Wilton piping tips and bags for my birthday, so this was one of the last times I had to suffer with ghetto ziplocs. And thanks to my dear sister-in-law, every time I look at this picture, I think of poo (and now you will too! great...) because she said it looked like "entrails" from a distance. And now I know what "entrails" means. DH took some of the extras to the fire station with him and they were devoured (but those FF's will seriously eat ANYTHING!) and I took most of the rest to work...

So what are these cupcakes symbolic of? I've noticed that I can kind of relate most of my baking adventures to a specific period of my life or some kind of emotion. I made these darkies when I was transitioning OUT OF CHILD WELFARE!!!! So amazing. So they're symbolic of change; of me taking the plunge and starting fresh to give myself a much needed break from the stress. I decided that I was actually going to pursue this cupcake baking thing since I tried vanilla and chocolate and no one died, and now I had more time and energy to actually do something other than laundry, grocery shopping, and vegetating on the couch on the weekends. Holy motivation, Batman! These chocolate treats were the jumping-off point for the rest of my cupcake baking endeavors, and they were only made the first week of July. So it's been about four months of baking. I hope my oven is stretching out its hammies, because it's going to get some good workouts from here on out (I'm proud of myself for not making a lame warm-up joke here given that I was talking about an oven).

I'm kind of clever, I think. I don't know if anyone noticed the eggs in the background of my blog, and the fact that my first post contained the word "birth" in it. And I occasionally refer to my cupcakes as my "babies." Those who know me REALLY well know that I am much more of a cute polka-dot or artsy background than some boring beige eggs. But the eggs were too perfect to pass up- they are a key ingredient in most baked goods and they are super symbolic of the point I'm at in my life. Because DH and I are TTC!! Err... my husband and I are trying to bake a baby. I think whatever cupcakes I make next (which will probably be this weekend) will be symbolic of this whole baby thing. I've been super emotional the past two nights (which is way out of character for me) and I can't figure out if I'm pregnant, PMS'ing, or if the fact that we've had nothing but horrible luck in trying to conceive for the past seven months is finally starting to catch up to me. 

We were planning on waiting for a few more years. I wanted to continue to travel somewhere exotic every year and Josh wanted to continue to fulfill his childhood dreams of owning every latest electronic gadget he could get his hands on. But in December of last year, I switched to a new baby doctor who told me that another surgery wasn't going to help my aching uterus, and we needed to get pregnant asap. I shrugged it off, but he was pretty persistent. Persistent enough to get me to verbalize that we do own a home, have a sizable nest egg tucked away in a savings account, have the most wonderful marriage of all times, and are currently working in stable careers making some OK money. And on top of it, we're pretty darned mature and responsible for our ages. I thought DH was going to laugh in my face and tell me I was a pushover for listening to the doctor, but he was surprisingly alright with the change in our plans. So we figured we would wait until August of this year to start trying, as I was attempting to change careers and become a teacher. That didn't work out for me this year, but I'm glad it didn't. Everything works out for a reason... after four months of thinking about it, we started to get too excited about the prospect of having a family and I stopped taking the birth control... and... nothing. For six months. At first I was relieved- three, then four, then five months with no pain! I lost weight, my skin improved, I felt fantastic! But then as time went on I realized that I was really looking forward to having a little one. I've always wanted a child and I'm a very maternal person. So I went to the doctor to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, and was put on the Provera challenge. After doing some reading, I found out that if the Provera induces a period, it means you are producing enough estrogen and are capable of ovulating. So that was some good news. And the doc said to try two cycles, and if I'm not pregnant or don't start cycling on my own, then it's time for Clomid.

OMG. Clomid is so scary... people have twins on that stuff! And twins already run in my family! *gulp* Not to mention... I never thought I'd be talking about fertility meds. That's the part that gets depressing... I'm the kind of person that works very hard to achieve goals and won't stop till I make it. But no matter how hard I try, I have no control over my body and it's a difficult pill to swallow. I grew up dreaming of getting married, having a home, and a baby. Two out of three is awesome, I know. But I never thought that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. And sometimes it gets difficult to be a social worker and work with so many families that never wanted children, don't want the ones they have, or royally screwed up their chances of keeping the ones they had. Not to mention those that got abortions. It gets harder as the days go on to hear about people getting "accidentally pregnant." I'm happy for their blessing, but I can't help but be a little bitter. It's another process I have to work through. Forgive me for baring my soul here, but putting my thoughts in writing has always worked wonders with my ability to remain resilient. So I'll probably be venting my baby-making woes occasionally on this blog, and I apologize in advance for those that don't care. But I'm also very thankful to my friends... my true friends... who are the greatest support a girl can have. And sorry to all of you if I make you fat with my cupcakes. It's multi-faceted therapy, because as you all get fat, it'll make me feel better about myself if I get fat too!! hahaha :)